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Dr. Sarcasm (PhD,
Philosophis Sarcasticus)
My
Interview With Dr. Sarcasm
This is Joe Humor, filling in temporarily for Dr. Sarcasm. As I'm sure you know, I recently, as in like a month and a half ago, hired Dr. Sarcasm to write his own column here on JoeHumor.com.
However, the good doctor has failed to submit anything other than his opening article titled, "My Philosophy on Suicide Bombers".
Considering that he was supposed to be providing further articles at least every couple of weeks, I recently headed out to his home to kick his scrawny little butt. However, after giving in to his pleas for mercy, I decided simply to use my visit to his home to interview the good doctor instead. That way, both you and I could possibly come to understand this odd character just a little bit better --- and there would actually be something new to put in his column.
The following is a transcript of that interview.
Joe Humor: Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Dr. Sarcasm.
Dr. Sarcasm: Not a problem, especially considering you threatened to "pound my butt" if I didn't go along with it. Not that I really think you could "pound my butt", mind you, but I'd hate to have to kick yours in self defense.
Joe Humor: Yeah, whatever, anyway let me start by asking you a few questions.
Dr. Sarcasm: That is generally how interviews go.
Joe Humor: You're a sarcastic son of a beach, aren't you?
Dr. Sarcasm: Where do you think I got my name from?
Joe Humor: Third grade probably.
Dr. Sarcasm: How would you know? You never made it that far.
Joe Humor: So where did you get your name from then?
Dr. Sarcasm: I was given my PhD, Philosophis Sarcasticus, from the esteemed University of Self Proclamation.
Joe Humor: In other words, you made it up.
Dr. Sarcasm: You could say that, but it doesn't sound nearly as official that way, now does it?
Joe Humor: So what do you intend to do with your PhD?
Dr. Sarcasm: Save the world.
Joe Humor: Wouldn't you have been better off studying some kind of science or politics or diplomacy if your intention was to save the world?
Dr. Sarcasm: But that's just it, it's the scientists, politicians, and diplomats the world needs saving from.
Joe Humor: How do you figure?
Dr. Sarcasm: I don't. I'm not a scientist, remember?
Joe Humor: Oh, you know what I mean. Why is it you feel the world needs saving from scientists, politicians, and diplomats?
Dr. Sarcasm: If you really need me to answer that, than you are not half the Joe Humor I thought you were.
Joe Humor: Oh, just humor me and answer the question. I'm trying to conduct an interview here.
Dr. Sarcasm: I thought you were already a Humor, Mr. Joe Humor, Sir.
Joe Humor: You still want that pounding, don't you?
Dr. Sarcasm: I prefer to be paid in dollars, not pounds.
Joe Humor: And everyone tells me you're not cute.
Dr. Sarcasm: I'm not, I'm ruggedly handsome.
Joe Humor: Whatever. Are you going to answer my question? Why is it you feel the world needs saving from scientists, politicians, and diplomats?
Dr. Sarcasm: Because I said so.
Joe Humor: What kind of an answer is that?
Dr. Sarcasm: A dumb one, in response to a dumb question.
Joe Humor: Oh really, well, what sort of questions would you rather I ask?
Dr. Sarcasm: Something interesting, like... "What would I have on my sign if I was a proctologist?"
Joe Humor: Oh boy, I'm not sure I want to know the answer to that one.
Dr. Sarcasm: "Specializing in saving your ass!"
Joe Humor: OK, yeah, I knew I didn't want to hear it.
Dr. Sarcasm: You know what would be another good question?
Joe Humor: Who did your hair?
Dr. Sarcasm: My hat did.
Joe Humor: That's what I thought.
Dr. Sarcasm: That was a good question, though. Now let me ask you one. Who did your face?
Joe Humor: God did.
Dr. Sarcasm: Which god? "God help us" or "God forbid"?
Joe Humor: "God be praised".
Dr. Sarcasm: They say everyone is unique, mostly because God is good at learning from his mistakes.
Joe Humor: He must have made you awfully early on then, huh?
Dr. Sarcasm: Yeah, before he got tired of perfection and started messing around with genetic mutation.
Joe Humor: So, how do you explain your disfigurement?
Dr. Sarcasm: What disfigurement?
Joe Humor: Earlier I asked you "how do you figure" and you said "I don't". Sounds like a disfigurement to me.
Dr. Sarcasm: Hey, that was a good one. I must be rubbing off on you.
Joe Humor: I can't shower often enough.
Dr. Sarcasm: All right, all right, enough of the ego contest. Are you going to ask me any real questions?
Joe Humor: What is the meaning of life?
Dr. Sarcasm: It's something to do while you wait around to die.
Joe Humor: Oh come on now, surely you have some deep, profound thoughts on the meaning of life that you can share.
Dr. Sarcasm: Sure... life's a joke, why not laugh at it?
Joe Humor: Hey, that's my line!
Dr. Sarcasm: You're my hero.
Joe Humor: And you're a thief.
Dr. Sarcasm: Let's talk about a few of my favorite lines then ---- that you stole!
Joe Humor: Oh, like what?
Dr. Sarcasm: "Cheer up, life will get better! Or it will get worse and today won't seem so bad." You stole that one from me, and made a t-shirt out of it even!
Joe Humor: Well, yes, that I did, but I did promise you royalties.
Dr. Sarcasm: Oh really, so where's my royalties?
Joe Humor: I crown you King Sarcasm! There you go. You're royal.
Dr. Sarcasm: And what about "Life Is Fair. There I said it. Now everyone shut up and play nice." That's another line of mine, and again you stole it, and made a t-shirt out of it.
Joe Humor: Technically, that's a tank top, not a t-shirt.
Dr. Sarcasm: It comes in several options, most of them t-shirts.
Joe Humor: I crown you Queen Sarcasm! There is that better?
Dr. Sarcasm: I'd prefer Emperor if you're really going to waste your time saying silly things like that.
Joe Humor: Anything to please you.
Dr. Sarcasm: Naturally, which is why you also stole, "To eat a beef burger, you kill one cow. To eat a soy burger, you participate in the mowing down of an entire plant community... just so you can eat their children."
Joe Humor: Wait a minute, I thought I made that one up?
Dr. Sarcasm: No! Well, yes, maybe, no, did you?
Joe Humor: I think so.
Dr. Sarcasm: Well, forgive me for my plagiaristic tendencies, then. It must be the company I keep.
Joe Humor: All right, moving on then, let's try to get you to answer at least one good interview question, OK?
Dr. Sarcasm: I'll do my best, Mr. Humor, Sir.
Joe Humor: Seriously.
Dr. Sarcasm: What does that mean?
Joe Humor: What, if anything, you lazy bum, do you plan to contribute to JoeHumor.com in the days to come?
Dr. Sarcasm: Seriously?
Joe Humor: Yes.
Dr. Sarcasm: Oh all right. Seriously. I plan on contributing my finely honed sarcastic views of society. I plan on using my highly developed sarcastic skills to illustrate the irrational thinking most people in the world subscribe to these days. I plan on bringing "common sense" back into the "common" mindset because, believe me, it's long been lost.
I plan on tearing down the walls of sheer stupidity that surround modern thought. I plan on removing the barriers our warped society has placed between itself and reality. I plan on spearheading the movement that will bring this good Earth back into balance!
In short, I plan on exploiting the masses for my own selfish, personal gain.
Joe Humor: Say what?
Dr. Sarcasm: Just kidding. Sorry, it's just there was like, a whole lot of like, seriousness in a row there, I had to like, throw in a small sarcastic comment, like you know?
Joe Humor: Thank you for staying true to your nature, I guess.
Dr. Sarcasm: I just knew you'd understand if anybody would, Mr. Humor, Sir.
Joe Humor: So are you going to start writing articles more regularly for me now or what?
Dr. Sarcasm: What.
Joe Humor: Oh boy.
Dr. Sarcasm: Sexist.
Joe Humor: Sexist? Where did that come from?
Dr. Sarcasm: It's always "oh boy" with you, never "oh girl".
Joe Humor: It's safer that way.
Dr. Sarcasm: How do you figure?
Joe Humor: I don't figure. I'm not a scientist either.
Dr. Sarcasm: You're quite the smart ass, aren't you?
Joe Humor: I prefer the term "humorist".
Dr. Sarcasm: Yes, I'm sure you do, Mr. Humor, Sir. It would be tough to get work as Mr. Smart Ass.
Joe Humor: All right, I'm out of here. Write me some new articles, OK?
Dr. Sarcasm: Yes, master.
Joe Humor: I'm serious. "Are you going to listen to me in English? Or do I have to speak to you in 12 gauge?"
Dr. Sarcasm: English will do fine. By the way, did you make that one up yourself or did you steal it from someone, too?
Joe Humor: Actually, I stole that one from "Bo Gus".
Dr. Sarcasm: Ah yes, the salient "Bo Gus". I like him, very direct, very down to earth. You should bring him with you next time you come by.
Joe Humor: And get all three of us ranting and raving at each other? Are you nuts?
Dr. Sarcasm: No, I'm a doctor. There is a minor difference, you know.
Joe Humor: Really, and what's that?
Dr. Sarcasm: The doctor's jackets button in the front and the patient's jackets button in the back.
Joe Humor: Well said.
Dr. Sarcasm: I am the doctor.
And so concluded my interview with Dr. Sarcasm. Please be advised that it is quite normal for your head to be spinning at this point. Please just make sure it stops with your face in front. Unless, of course, you are currently being stalked and you feel the need to watch your back.
Until next time then...
Good heavens, please don't let there be a next time!
This is Joe Humor, filling in for the lazy Dr. Sarcasm, who will hopefully start writing his own column from now on like he said he would!
At least I think he said he would. When I asked him if he would like to write a column for the site, I didn't exactly get a "yes". He simply said, "As sure as there's blue sky in China after dark in England!"
So... whatever.
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Copyright © 2009 JoeHumor.com, Joe Bingham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide. All content on this site is 100% original and written by me, Joe Bingham, for the express purpose of entertainment and fun. At no time is anything intended to offend, insult, or otherwise enrage anyone. If you find yourself upset or otherwise ticked off, relax, I'm just freakin' kidding, OK? Don't take things so seriously. "Life IS a joke, why not laugh at it?" Please just enjoy yourself and let me attempt to enrich your life with a little more fun and a lot more laughs. Thanks for reading --- Joe